I know someone who doesn't want to live.

Not the kind who wants to die. A different kind. He doesn't want to play the game. He doesn't want to make money. He doesn't want to be saved. He says he wants a world where his wins are his and his losses are his. He says that's fairness.

We met at a conference. About decentralization. He sat in the last row, didn't say a word. After it ended he came to find me, said he agreed with everything I said, but I wouldn't succeed. I asked why. He said because you want to live.

I won't say his name. He used to be a trader. Did very well. Achieved financial freedom very young. Then he quit. Not to start a business, not to travel the world, but to do nothing. He converted his money into Bitcoin, into gold bars, into things he could hold. He doesn't use banks. He says using banks is voting, voting for people who can change the rules, and he doesn't want to vote.

I asked him, where do you keep your money?

He said, where I can reach it.

I said, isn't that unsafe? What if it's stolen?

He said, if it's stolen, it's stolen.

He told me something once. In 2008 he was still at the investment bank, in the trading room the day Lehman collapsed. Everyone was running, shouting, making calls. He sat at his desk, didn't move. A colleague asked why aren't you running, he said running where. The colleague said run to short, run to hedge, run to save yourself. He said save what life. The colleague didn't understand.

Later Lehman died, they didn't die, because the government saved them. He said that day he understood something: in this system, death is not allowed.

I said, isn't that good? Isn't living good?

He said, living is good. But not allowing death is another thing. Not allowing death means someone can decide who lives and who dies. That power is bigger than nuclear weapons.

He said he wants a mortal world.

Not wanting to die. Wanting to be able to die.

He said, being able to die means the rules are real. Not being able to die means the rules are fake, the rules can be changed at any time. He said he doesn't want to live in a fake world. He said that's not living, that's being kept.

He later went to a place, I don't know where, he didn't say. He said that place has no banks, no credit cards, everything is cash or barter. He said once he was robbed, lost three months of living expenses. I asked what happened then. He said then he starved for three months.

I said, don't you think that's stupid? You could live in a place with police, with insurance, with people who help you recover your losses.

He said, then it wouldn't be my loss. It would be everyone's loss. I don't want my loss to become everyone's loss.

I said, that's being sanctimonious.

He said, that's mathematics. You can't only want returns without risks. If someone helps you bear the risk, the risk doesn't disappear, it transfers. Transfers to whom? Transfers to people who don't know. I don't want people who don't know to bear it for me.

I asked him, how do you feel now?

He thought for a long time. He said, light.

I said, light?

He said, before I watched the market every day, watched candlesticks, watched news, watched the Fed meetings, watched Treasury statements. My heartbeat followed the numbers, numbers up I was happy, numbers down I was sad. Now it's gone. I don't watch the market anymore. I don't care about the Fed anymore. I don't even know if it's a bull or bear market now.

I said, aren't you afraid of missing out?

He said, missing what?

I said, making money. Everyone else is making money.

He said, what money are they making? They're making numbers. Numbers can be changed. I don't want things that can be changed.

I didn't understand him then. I thought he was extreme. I thought he'd been traumatized somehow. I thought he was escaping.

Later I experienced some things.

2020, the pandemic, the Fed printed more money in one month than the previous ten years combined. I watched my assets rise, stocks rise, houses rise, Bitcoin rise, everything rising. I should have been happy. But I couldn't be happy.

Because I knew it wasn't my skill. It was printed. It was a rising tide lifting all boats. The boat is mine, the water isn't. The water is what they released. What they can release they can withdraw. How much I rose actually has nothing to do with me.

That night I suddenly remembered what he said: I don't want things that can be changed.

I messaged him. Hadn't been in touch for a long time. I asked, are you still alive?

He said, alive.

I said, what do you think about what's happening now?

He said, what's happening?

I said, the Fed printing money, assets soaring, everyone discussing inflation.

He said, I don't know. I don't watch the news.

I said, you don't care?

He said, care about what? The things I care about they can't change. The sun still rises in the east. My chickens still lay eggs every day. The vegetables I plant still grow like that. These things they can't change.

I said, are you joking?

He said, I'm not joking. Do you know what things are real? Things you can eat are real. Things you can live in are real. Numbers aren't real.

I saw him again once later. In a very remote place. The house he lived in was built by himself, very simple. He kept a few chickens, grew some vegetables, looked like a farmer.

I said, don't you think it's a waste? You used to make millions a year, now you're here raising chickens.

He said, millions a year is a number. Chickens are real.

I said, but numbers can be exchanged for things.

He said, can be exchanged, when the rules haven't changed can be exchanged. When the rules change you can't exchange anymore. 1948 gold yuan certificates, today a million, tomorrow waste paper. You think it won't happen?

I said, now is different, now there's the dollar, there's the Fed, there's the global financial system.

He said, what is the global financial system? It's a group of people sitting together deciding the rules. Today they decide the dollar is money, the dollar is money. Tomorrow they decide the dollar isn't money, the dollar isn't money. How is this different from gold yuan certificates?

I said, what about gold?

He said, gold is the same. In 1933 Roosevelt said private holding of gold is prohibited, even if you have gold it's useless, illegal, no market. You think you have something, but whether you have it or not, they say.

I said, so what do you believe in?

He said, I believe in things I can reach. I believe in things I can eat. I believe in things no one can take from me.

I said, that's very little.

He said, yes, very little. But real.

When he walked me out, he said something. He said, do you know what the difference between you and me is?

I said, what?

He said, you want to live. You want to survive in this system. So you need to make money, need assets, need hedges, need insurance. You need everything that can help you survive in this system.

I said, isn't that right?

He said, there's no right or wrong. Just choices. You choose to live inside the system. I choose to live outside the system. Your cost is you have to follow their rules, when they change the rules you have to change too. My cost is I have no protection, if I die I die.

I said, aren't you afraid of death?

He said, afraid. But I'm more afraid of a death that isn't my choice. Dying in the system, they decide you die. Dying outside the system, it's your own business.

After I came back I thought for a long time.

I think I understand him. He doesn't not want to live. He doesn't want to be lived.

Being lived means: you're alive, but the way you live is prescribed by others. You make money, in the way they prescribe. You save money, in the places they prescribe. You buy a house, with the money they print. You think you're choosing, but you're choosing within the circle they drew.

He chose to walk out of that circle. The cost is no protection. The cost is possibly dying quickly.

But that's his own death.

I can't do it.

I'm still in the system. I'm still making money. I'm still using banks. I'm still buying houses. I'm still investing. I'm still using the money they print, following the rules they set.

It's not that I don't understand what he's saying. I understand, but I still choose to stay.

Because I want to live. I want to survive in this system. I want someone to save me when things go wrong.

That's the contradiction.

He chose fairness. Fairness means if you die you die.

I chose living. Living means you pay a cost, the cost is the part you don't know.

No right or wrong. Just choices.

I never contacted him again after that.

Sometimes I think of him. Think of what he said: I don't want things that can be changed.

I look at everything around me. My savings, can be changed. My house, can be changed. My stocks, can be changed. My pension, can be changed. Everything I think I have, can be changed.

What do I have that can't be changed?

I can't think of anything.

Maybe he's right.

Maybe things that can be changed aren't yours.

Maybe I think I have a lot, but actually I have nothing.

Maybe one day when they change the rules, I'll discover that what I always thought was mine was never mine.

But that day hasn't come yet.

Until that day comes, I'll continue.

Continue making money. Continue saving money. Continue pretending these are mine.

Because I want to live.

He chose death.

Not actually dying. Chose a way of living where you can die.

I chose living.

Chose a way of living where you can't die.

A way of living where you can't die doesn't mean you won't die. It means when you die it's not up to you.

I don't know which is better.

I only know I can't choose his way.

I don't have that courage.

Or rather, I don't have that despair.